Thanks to suggestions from perceptive readers, I’ve been rethinking some elements of my blog post of June 3, 2020. In it, I offered a rationale and a step-by-step method for perspective taking and alternatives to escalation in conversation. Now I’d like to emphasize that the process I described then, although it may at first seem to be formulaic and focused on behaviors, is not really a behavioral formula so much as a route into a way of being with another person.
Most of us have probably heard “listening” spoken about as a set of behaviors. For example, we may have heard it described in terms of body language--facing toward someone, making eye contact, perhaps “reflecting back” what the other person said-- “mirroring” their words. Some descriptions even go so far as to suggest that using one’s own words—paraphrasing--is not good listening; listening should use only the speaker’s words.
But when I talk about listening, I’m trying to describe something else. I‘m referring to a kind of listening that is more an internal state of being with another person. This being with is different from, though not contradictory to, outward behaviors. However, the suggestions I listed in my blog post are not meant to prescribe particular behaviors so much as to facilitate this more internal way of being—I offer them as a way of creating a state of mind and a focus of attention that allow us to be more attuned to another person’s experience and also more aware of our own.
In my experience, with practice we can engage more deeply and authentically with others than we could with a simpler focus on behaviors. Those behaviors, when they happen, flow naturally from our internal state, rather than being the primary focus of our effort. When we can do that deeper kind of listening, others tend to feel heard in a way that’s rare, and we, ourselves, tend to expand our understanding. That can lead to a deepening of relationships, to greater tolerance, and even to appreciation of differences in perspectives.
Having said all this, I realize that some of us like to have explicit instructions for what to do, and the June 3 blog post is for them and for any of us who want a gentle reminder or prompt about this process.
Below is a condensed version that I've also added to the June 3 blog.
1. Imagine a particular disagreement or misunderstanding with another person.
2. Notice your own feelings and thoughts about it, including the powerful ones.
3. Imagine the other person’s feelings and thoughts in their terms. 4. Invite them to talk with you about their experience. 5. As they talk, try to keep your attention on their meanings, rather than on your rebuttal.
6. Check out your understanding with them, asking for corrections. 7. Once they seem satisfied that you understand, you may want to ask if they would be willing to try to hear your perspective. They may not be willing or able. But, even so, perhaps now you have a better idea of how they see things, you have probably avoided escalation and, depending on the context, you may have created enough trust and connection to continue the conversation at another time.
This way of being in conversation may be unfamiliar and challenging at first. But it gets easier and feels more natural with time, and it often brings gratifying rewards. Most of us, at some level, want to be understood and, if we experience that understanding, we are likely to be more open to others’ experiences.
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