[Note: I've added more recent thoughts on this in my July 3 blog.]
You know how it is when you get into a conversation with someone, and you each hold strong views, and things flare up? Often no one really changes their mind, and often no one feels better afterwards. This is about how to try to have those conversations differently.
Often these situations share some common background elements: When we have a strongly held perspective, we naturally have powerful feelings about it, and it can be hard to know how to respond when others see things very differently. We all know that conversations about gender, race, politics, and religion can get heated, but even talking about mundane things like household chores can lead to broken connections. Disagreements can proceed into passionate arguments and debates that have a kind of back and forth quality, where one person says something, another person gives a different view, the first person challenges that, and off they go, butting heads. Things may escalate, and feelings may get intense, frequently producing memorable but unsatisfying outcomes. Sometimes the conversation ends at that point, either because the parties “agree to disagree,’ or because one of them leaves the situation.
I’ve created a set of suggestions for alternatives to debate and escalation. It’s a rough, sequential guide for navigating difficult conversations and includes both internal steps we can take on our own and some things to try out with others. These can also be used to de-escalate an already- heated conversation, though it’s harder to use them once emotions are inflamed. I realize that there may be situations in which we actually want to escalate conflicts and provoke others for social or political reasons; these suggestions aren’t meant for that context.
AN EXERCISE IN PERSPECTIVE TAKING
1. Think about a particular situation where you see things differently from someone else.
2. On your own, take a few minutes to write or voice to yourself your own views and feelings about it. As you work this way, it’s often helpful to separate your thoughts from your emotions. Don’t worry too much about this point; it’s just something to keep in mind as you go along.
A guideline: Emotions can often be thought of as a single word, like fear, joy, anger, or curiosity. But it can get complicated: It’s customary to use the words, “I feel,” to mean, “I think.” Thoughts are more complex ideas, inferences, or interpretations, like, “I feel as though that’s a bad idea.” Or, “I have no respect for...” Or, “I have the sense that you’re wrong, you have bad motives, etc.” This distinction can be pretty challenging. For example, although “rejected” is a single word, it’s probably better classified as a thought because it involves an interpretation of an event. “Hurt,” “sad,” or “lonely” are emotions that we might feel if we are (or think we are) rejected. (1)
3. Once you’re managed that, take a break, if you feel like it.
4. Now that you have your perspective written down or fixed in your mind, you don’t have to worry as much about losing track of it. So you can try imagining what might be going on for the other person or people. What might their interpretations or thoughts be? If they have those interpretations or thoughts, how might they feel (anger, worry, sadness, hope, or whatever)? This is the time to try to use your imagination to put yourself in their shoes as much as you can. Here’s a way to test that on your own: Picture yourself telling the other person what you imagine to be their perspective, maybe including some feelings you think they may have. If you think they would reject your language and become defensive or angry, that probably means you didn’t manage to step into their shoes very well. If that’s the case, don’t worry; this is hard. If it were easy, more people would do it. So try again. Once you’re able to put into words a version of their experience that you think may sound fairly accurate to the other person, congratulations. You’re ready to try the next step.
5. Ask someone with that other perspective if they would be willing to try something with you as an experiment. If they agree, invite them to talk a bit about their perspective.
6. Your first effort will be internal: Try to set aside your own views (Remember, you have them stored away for later.) Depending on how emotionally intense this issue is for you, that will be easier or harder to do.
7. As the other person talks, try to keep in mind that your job is to imagine their experience, as it exists for them. This is not the time to begin formulating your rebuttal, although that will probably be very tempting. You may find this step very challenging, especially at first, and that’s natural. If you’re finding it hard, you can try focusing on the actual words the other person uses; their words can function as a sort of anchor to keep you from inserting your own perspective. If you can’t pay attention to their experience without getting sidetracked by thinking of your response, you’re not ready to go forward.
8. As soon as you can conjure up a way to acknowledge their perspective as it is for them—a way that you think probably won’t come across to them as insulting or as an effort to debate them--you can check out your understanding with them. You might say something like, “I think I get what you’re saying... My understanding is that you see things the way you do because...” And perhaps you add, “I get that you really care about this, and I can see why it’s important to you...” (Some people prefer to hear their exact words reflected back to them; others prefer more of a paraphrase that captures the overall sense of their experience.) Then check it out with them: “Does that feel right?”
9. As you do this, it’s helpful to keep in mind that you are just checking out your understanding; you don't have to be right. The main thing is to try to say something that they will understand is a genuine effort on your part. They may say something like, “Well, you got this part right, but not this other part...” That’s fine. You can just keep refining it with their help.
10. Once you’ve done this to their satisfaction, you’ve managed to do something very challenging and valuable. Congratulations.
Here is a condensed version of this process:
1. Imagine a particular disagreement or misunderstanding with another person.
2. Notice your own feelings and thoughts about it, including the powerful ones.
3. Imagine the other person’s feelings and thoughts in their terms. 4. Invite them to talk with you about their experience. 5. As they talk, try to keep your attention on their meanings, rather than on your rebuttal.
6. Check out your understanding with them, asking for corrections.
7. Once they seem satisfied that you understand, you may want to ask if they would be willing to try to hear your perspective. They may not be willing or able. Even so, perhaps now you have a better idea of how they see things, you have probably avoided escalation and, depending on the context, you may have created enough trust and connection to continue the conversation at another time.
Now what?
Practicing this is a big part of learning and becoming more skilled, so try it whenever you get the urge. This is a long description, but doing this well can actually be fast -- it might only take a few seconds to acknowledge someone's perspective, depending on complexity and difficulty. Sometimes it will go well; other times you’ll find it impossible, and that’s okay. As you do work on it, you will find ways to make it your own—to adapt so it feels more natural to you. It’s important to keep in mind that, as my mentor Kiyo Morimoto stressed, there’s a difference between acknowledgment and agreement. What I’ve just described is more about acknowledging, which is an alternative to debate and escalation, and it can dramatically change the tone of a conversation across differences.
You may be wondering, “But when do I get to tell them how wrong they are?” “What if I never get a turn to talk?” It’s possible they will be more open to hearing about your experience if they aren’t feeling preoccupied with trying to be heard or debating you. But they may not be able to see your perspective very well because this is hard for them, too. Still, you aren’t likely to “win” by simply silencing them. Renowned negotiation professor Roger Fisher (2) believed we are better off in negotiations when we not only have an understanding of our own perspective, but the other party’s, as well.
If and when the other person is willing or interested in hearing your views, you can try voicing them. It’s certainly helpful if the other person is also trying to use similar conversational guidelines. But, even if they aren’t, you may have avoided escalating the situation by doing what you did: acknowledging their perspective. And you may have learned something new. Also, because it’s so unusual for people to feel as if someone is actually trying to understand their experience on their own terms, they may soften their stance when they don’t have to push as hard to feel heard. As I mentioned earlier, this way of attending to another person can actually defuse an already-heated argument, as well as helping avoid the escalation altogether. You might find that this way of sharing conversational space and time feels artificial and even stilted at first. That’s not surprising, since it’s a departure for most of us from our regular conversational patterns. Most people initially feel self-conscious about doing it. But, in fact, it usually opens a door to greater authentic connection because, when it works well, people feel genuinely heard and better known. And it gets easier and feels more natural as you practice it. I still struggle to do it sometimes and other times I can’t do it at all. But, when I can do it well, I feel a sort of spaciousness, and I feel stronger. Attending to others this way has helped me get more perspective on my own thoughts and feelings, and I’ve found that, even when the disparities in perspective seem huge, sometimes it’s possible to reach across the gap.
1. More on feelings and thoughts: http://www.therightword.info/nvc/needs-based- communication/feelings/
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