I don't know about you, but I don't like conflict. When I can, I avoid it. But still... sometimes people see things very differently from each other. No surprise--our different life experiences can cause the same situation to have hugely different meanings for us, and it happens a lot. In fact, sometimes minor differences are so frequent and so insignificant that we barely notice them.
Differences in experiences and meanings are so common that it wouldn’t be too surprising if humans had found great ways to deal with conflicts, whether small or big. But no. That’s not the case for many of us, even though there’s a lot at stake because what we do when we encounter big differences can increase the likelihood of either alienation or deeper connection. And this is a huge thing. How we handle differences, even when they’re seemingly small, can leave us with the sense of being unseen or with a sense of company. When they’re bigger, they can lead to profound alienation, deep connection, and everything in between.
In a way, the situation isn’t surprising. All of us have witnessed small, medium, and large conflicts with little resolution, and we might not have witnessed very many alternative approaches to conflict. But it turns out that when we do run into differences, we have some important choices.
How to make it worse
Tell yourself the stakes are high; you are standing up for yourself and for an important priciple. Think of your view as a path to making the world a better place.
Think of this as a battle for the truth, and it’s your job to convince them what’s real. Don’t give up on that important goal.
Focus on what’s wrong with their perspective and what you think. Point out where they have gone astray in their thinking. Assert your position clearly and strongly, both to yourself and to them.
Raise your voice if necessary to make sure your point gets across.
Don’t let them deny the truth of what you're saying. If they try to do that, cut them off or dismiss their view as incorrect or even silly.
As a way to make them back down and help you regain the upper hand, consider pointing out that they have hurt your feelings.
How to make it better
Try setting your views and your feelings on a shelf for a few minutes. This can be hard, so give yourself some slack. Maybe count to 10. You can always come back to your own stuff. Try instead to focus on their experience. See if you can imagine what they are feeling and thinking, not in your own terms, but in terms they would actually accept, if they heard them.
Let them know what you think they might be experiencing, but do it tentatively: “I think you’re saying... Did I hear this right?” If they correct you, that’s fine. Part of making a conflict better is making a clear, genuine effort.
t might be tempting to distort their perspective in such a way that you can easily refute it. For example, let’s say the other person says “I want you to understand me.” You respond this way: “So you’re saying you want me to accept everything you’re saying?” That’s not a true reflection of what they said; it’s attributing to them an easily-dismissed false statement, and they will likely feel frustrated and unheard.
And it’s different from simply repeating what they said word for word, which is also likely to leave them feeling missed.
Really letting them know you’re hearing them might sound more like this: “So, you want me to get what you’re telling me, and you don’t think I do...?” This tentative tone gives the sense that a) you’re going to allow them to correct you, and b) that you’re not arguing. You’re not using exactly the same terms they used, but your words show you’re not just parroting back what they said. They might endorse your response as a good-enough reflection of their experience and keep talking.
If I don’t argue, won’t they think I’m agreeing with them?
Sometimes it’s hard to do this kind of responding because we’re concerned that the other person will assume we’re agreeing. But for this to be helpful, it’s critical to understand that acknowledgement is different from agreement. It's hard to overstate this. You can always say something to that effect once you’ve heard them: “I think I get what you’re saying, but I see it differently.” If the other person is able to hear you, you can explain your perspective. If not, you haven’t lost much. If you had tried to hammer away at your own view with someone who’s wasn’t listening, you probably wouldn’t have changed their mind. If neither person is listening, not much is being shared.
Why this helps
When we’re mostly occupied with communicating our own perspective, or we’re feeling overwhelmed or hurt, we just can’t feel very curious about other perspectives. So, another person might accurately experience us as not listening, or as judgmental. They might try to state their perspective more loudly, or they might choose to disconnect. On the other hand, when we feel heard, we tend to be more open to hearing others. An argument can become more of a conversation.
What it can look like
When I try to do this, I have to kind of set aside my own experience. It can seem easy to do at first, but it’s hard to really do it when I’m upset. So, I might try to imagine the other’s experience, but instead I might end up trying to re-explain my own experience: “You’ve misheard me.” “You seem to be trying to dominate the conversation,” You’re interrupting me,” “You hurt my feelings,” “Your argument isn’t making sense.”
But that’s not what it means to model the other person’s views. We can easily slide into talking about it in our terms, not theirs. Instead, we can try to create a sort of model of what’s going on for them that they could actually endorse — how things look and feel to them -- in terms they might actually use. If we can manage that, they might at first express things even more strongly because they are feeling more heard, but soon we will probably see them relax a little.
If you try this, and if they do relax, you may at some point find that they are more open to hearing your view and your feelings. And you might also find your view has changed a little. This can take time, and you don't have to resolve things immediately. Maybe you will decide to table things and continue sometime in the future. For now, you've managed to keep the door open, and maybe you even feel more connected.
This seems so time-consuming!
It doesn't have to be. This kind of exchange can take a few seconds or a long time. Even a quick acknowledgement of another person's experience can go a long way toward bridging and even repairing a gap.
The more we practice these skills for dealing with differences, the more natural they feel, and the better we get. Good luck!
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